Can we talk? Seriously, person of average intelligence to person of average intelligence? (That may rule some people out but let’s continue…) Still there? Good. OK. So, here’s the thing. Can we all stop being so f*cking stupid? OK? Thanks.

It seems to me that the future of our society is getting dimmer because our population is getting dumber. Mike Judge’s Idiocracy is not only a hysterical movie about the future of our society, it is also a scarily accurate prediction. Case in point:

This morning, I see a headline on msnbc.com, admittedly my main source of news these days. In the Health section, the headline reads: Bottles, binkies and sippy cups can hurt kids, study finds. OK… This should be interesting. I expect to hear something about BPA leakages, dental issues, perhaps speech impediments caused by over-sucking. I don’t know, something. I read the article. Turns out, the study discusses actual physical injuries from bottles, binkies, and sippies. Um… OK… how are these headline-worthy injuries happening? “In most of the cases, 86 percent, the kids were injured when they fell with the object.” Am I reading that correctly? We needed a study conducted to realize that if my kid took a header with a bottle in his mouth that he might get a boo boo? Or that running into a wall with a plastic sippy cup in his mouth might split his lip a bit?

There were some parents whose kids were injured in a fall with a bottle or sippy in their mouth. For one parent, the incident (of the bottle splitting her kid’s lip and chipping a tooth after the kid fell with bottle in mouth) was “shocking.” Now… If you fell on your face with something in your mouth and hit at the right angle, would your lip splitting REALLY be a shocking experience? NO, dumb@ss, if your face makes contact with a hard object, injuries occur.

So, because there is now a study and news article that children are being injured when they fall (as children do) with a sippy or bottle in mouth (which is where those objects belong), suddenly we are blaming the sippy or bottle for the injury? Really folks? Is this where society is heading? Oh, that’s right, I forgot, it is.

I just wonder, when do we stop and think that maybe it isn’t inanimate objects that are the evil behind our children’s boo boos? Maybe it’s OK that they get a few bumps and bruises along the way. Maybe accidents happen. And maybe, just maybe, this current generation of parents survived their own childhood of limited car seat restraint, virtually no baby-proofing, and a lack of helmets because their parents simply just… paid attention, took responsibility, and didn’t blame everyone and everything else for what happens to their children.

So, I’d like to make a few declarations:

1. If your child falls with something in his mouth, he or she may sustain an injury. The object in his or her mouth is not the hazard, the fall itself is the hazard. And, no, you can’t fully prevent a child from falling and you can’t sue anyone because your child fell.
2. If your child chokes on a hot dog or a grape, it is not the hot dog manufacturer or the grape grower that is to blame. If you did not first cut the food item down to a size appropriate for the size of your child’s windpipe, that is on you. If you did cut it down and your child still choked, that is called an accident. It happens. It can be tragic, yes, but not necessarily lawsuit-worthy.
3. Yes, there are times when a product legitimately is responsible for an injury, but that is when it MALFUNCTIONS. A sippy cup doesn’t malfunction when it comes between your kid’s face and the floor. A drop-side crib malfunctions when he side drops unexpectedly because the plastic hardware breaks. See the difference?

While most of these apply to headlines or recalls for children’s safety, the same logic applies to adult safety. Can we all just take responsibility for our own health, safety, and wellness and stop blaming everything and everyone else? Please? OK? Good. Thanks. I’ll step down from my soap box now. I have to go give my child one of those DEADLY sippy cups.

I made a huge mistake. I bought a book at the dollar store for the Boo entitled “Witzy Says No.” A cute book, yes. However, now my little man’s favorite word is…. NO. Will you eat your peas? No. Can Mommy have a hug? No. Do you want to read a book? No. Most times, the answer isn’t actually no and he will eat the peas, give me a hug, and read the book. He just wants to say no. It’s not even a firm no, it’s a very soft, whiny, pathetic “No…”

Realizing that my bargain book purchase may have brought on the strive-for-independence-by-saying-No phase a bit prematurely (maybe not, but I have guilty Mom feelings, it’s totally normal), I am bound and determined to reverse or at least mitigate the situation.

So, the other night, when he started in on the No’s, we decided to learn a new phrase. “Yes, Mommy.” It went a bit like this:

Mommy: Boo, can Mommy have a hug?
Boo: (pathetic, whiny) No…
Mommy: Please?
Boo: (pathetic, whiny) No… (walks away)
Mommy: Boo, say ‘Yes, Mommy.’
Boo: Yes, Mommy. (hugs Mommy)

Of course, this Yes, Mommy business is eerily reminiscent of a Joan Crawford “Mommie Dearest” moment.

“Yes, Mommie Dearest.” “When I told you to call me that, I wanted you to mean it.”

I’m not sure it is a coincidence that we have no wire hangers in our house but I’m just going to not let it bother me as I put away the cold cream and the powdered bathroom cleaner.

Anyways, back to Yes, Mommy. This method has had some measure of success in the last couple of days. He says “No,” I say “Say ‘Yes, Mommy,’” he says “Yes, Mommy,” and smiles. This is much better. This will most likely not last. I give it to the end of the weekend before a more emphatic “No” emerges.

Hmm… maybe then I will teach him to call me Mommie Dearest. No no, that would be wrong… right?

There was a time when the cliché place to gather in the office for a chat about last night’s game or the latest gossip was the water cooler. Then came the installation of single cup coffee mega-machines and that became the next hot place to gather (I think full-pot coffee makers were phased out because no one ever wanted to take the last cup and be required to then make the next pot… just my theory). This makes total sense, as sharing a drink of something is a very socially accepted and encouraged activity.

A new favorite gathering at my office is taking me by complete surprise and is, quite honestly, also horrifying me. There tends to be an inordinate amount of people chatting outside the restrooms. Men, women, upper management, entry-level folks… doesn’t matter. This is where they stop to chat.

Now, it isn’t enough that we have signs in our restrooms asking us to please refrain from cell phone use (don’t you love your stall neighbor’s best bud on the phone hearing you flush? Me too!). Now I have to push through a crowd of people in the hallway so I can go pee. Fantastic.

On an ordinary day, it is just a weird place to stand. The restrooms are in the middle of a hallway. There’s nothing across from them and very little on either side of them. There is nothing at all that would encourage someone to stop there other than the restrooms themselves.

So, I have to ask myself, did Chit Chatter #1 stop Chit Chatter #2 on the way IN to the restroom? This had to be the case, because if they caught them on the way OUT, they would walk away in the direction of their seats, no? So, if they did catch them on the way IN, that means Chit Chatter #1 really doesn’t give a shit that Chit Chatter #2 is about to do the Pee Pee Dance while Chit Chatter #1 rambles on and on about something that could have absolutely waited 3 minutes. And Chit Chatter #2 is too nice of a person to say “Hey, dude, I was actually headed in here for a reason” and politely nods and smiles while wondering how much liquid it takes to rupture a bladder. Can you collect Workers Comp for that?

Of course, today was no ordinary day. As I walk to the restroom – because I had to pee, Chit Chatters, that’s why people go there – there are no less than FIVE people standing by the doors, in 2 separate conversations. How does this happen? Anyways, I walk through conversation 1 (3 people) and navigate through conversation 2 (2 people) that is literally happening at the door to the Ladies’. As I go to open the restroom door, it opens on its own. Chit Chatter #2 had hit the button that opens the door for handicapped people (I am assuming she is Chit Chatter #2, the victim of the encounter, as she is bumping herself up against the wall in a pseudo-Pee Pee Dance move right next to the door and Chit Chatter #1 is an oblivious male).

Now, the door flies open and I walk in. Because the automatic door opening is for handicapped people, it stays open for a good bit before it closes on its own. That is, if the button was only hit once. Miss Pee Pee Dance Chit Chatter #2 evidently hit the button more than once with her wall-bumping. I stood in a stall for a good minute waiting for the door to close. I’m not an animal; I only pee with the door open in the comfort and privacy of my own home.

I was about to walk out and ask her to stop bumping the damn button but finally she must have realized what she was doing and the door closed. I peed. They were still chatting when I came out. Special.

So, please, folks, I beg of you. Stop this trend. The water closet is NOT the new water cooler, OK?