Let’s cut the shit, shall we? So much time is spent putting on our happy faces, posting the positive pictures to social media (I do this bountifully), and pretending we have it all under control. Let’s get real, we are not always happy, we sometimes have shit days, and we rarely have it all under control. Some, perhaps, but hardly ever all.
I had a shit day yesterday. What happened? Really nothing significant at all. It was just a crap day when I felt like crap and wanted to crawl into a hole instead of pasting a fucking smile on my face for the world to see. Why do we paste a smile? Because no one likes a negative person. “How are you?” Should always be answered with “Good, thanks!” Unless you’re talking to someone you are trying to date in which case the answer must always be “Amazingly super I love every ounce of my life because I am a SUPER POSITIVE PERSON PLEASE LIKE ME.”
It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. I have to be a good mom doing it all by myself and a good employee ticking off all my to dos and a run a good/clean/fed/paid for household and be a supportive daughter/sister/friend/whatever and at the end of the day work on loving myself so that I can manifest a decent relationship because my marriage went down in flames and I crave the love of the elusive decent man. Can we just get real? Don’t get me wrong, I am all about an attitude of gratitude and making lemons into lemonade and all that shit but sometimes I just want to cry. A lot. Because sometimes, even though my life is great, it hands me a shit sandwich and I have to feel through it. Sometimes, the weight of it all hits me like a punch in the chest and I cannot breathe. Sometimes I just do not have it all together. Sometimes, on days like yesterday, I am just depleted emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Something out there makes us feel like we’re not supposed to be like this, ever. We put on our big girl (or boy) pants, slap a cream cheese carved smile on our faces, and be that strong, charming, joyful person the world expects us to be. It’s more palatable. It’s more acceptable. Happy sells. Unhappy… well… breeds judgment. Oh you’re not completely content in your life? Shame how your children must suffer. You’re a single working mom? Surely you can’t juggle it all, your employer must be VERY understanding or your children MUST be lacking. So much shaming, so much “butt hurt,” so much judgment being slung about. It’s no wonder we try to portray the best parts of ourselves so we can remain protected from the onslaught of people’s immediate need to hate on you for anything or everything. Right now everyone is so focused on placing blame on the littlest to the biggest things that no one can say the simplest thing without a finger being pointed at them in judgment.
Fuck it. I had a bad day yesterday. I’m not always happy. I’m not always a good mom. I’m not even close to a perfect person. I cried yesterday. I felt like shit yesterday. I did not have it all together yesterday. For not a particular, major, identifiable reason. That’s the reality. That’s what is real. I will continue to post the beautiful happy moments in my life to social media but right now, I am letting you in on the dark side of me. I feel like I suck sometimes. I feel like I’m not enough sometimes. I feel like I’m failing a lot of people sometimes. And…. I feel like I AM NOT ALONE IN THESE FEELINGS. We all have them. We all have these days, we all have these moments, we all have times when we are not at our best but we feel like we can’t show that to the world. But why not? I can be peace and love and light and STILL have a shitty day once in a while. It’s just life. The yin and the yang of it. Can’t we just fucking admit to that?