This single mom business is hard. Really hard. Being a parent is hard enough. Doing it all by yourself, especially when outnumbered, sucks. A lot.
Last night was one of those nights that I just cracked. The kids were throwing various fits while screaming and crying over nothing all afternoon because Mommy dared to leave them with someone overnight and have a little “me time.” There is always payback for this. Always.
I was standing in the kitchen, attempting to cook something for myself, when wildling #2 decided she was hungry too. She said “I’m going to eat you” and proceeded to bite – HARD – on the back of my thigh, just inches below my behind. So, literally, she was being a pain in my ass. She left a mark. It still hurts to the touch.
Bedtime finally came around and I got both of them in bed with their respective tablets. Yes, I send my kids to bed with tablets because I cannot be in two places at once to get them settled. I’m not proud of it. At this point, though, I’m just trying to get them to stay in their beds all night long consistently before I wean them off of the devices. These are the decisions I have to make.
Wildling #1 was having none of this bedtime stuff. He wanted me to rub his back and stay with him until he fell asleep, which usually takes a while. He does this when he wants extra attention (part of the payback). I needed to eat dinner and cool off from the day’s shenanigans. I rubbed his back for a while and kept trying to escape downstairs for sustenance. He kept getting out of bed. Kept saying he wanted a grown up to stay with him. This went on for hours. There’s only one grown up in this house and she needed to not be so needed right then. I lost my shit. I might have said “what the fuck?” a little too loud.
In those moments, when I lose it and yell a little too much and then cry, I don’t like myself very much. I question if I’m cut out for this.
They’re at tough ages and often refuse to listen to me or do what I ask. I shout a lot. I curse a lot. I get angry (not so much at the kids but at the one missing from our equation). I cry pretty much every day. At times I have to ignore the kids just to get something done around the house. At times they don’t like this and they act out. I know I’m doing it wrong at least 50% of the time (probably more like 75%). I physically cannot do it all but at times I don’t have a choice. I have to be all the things 100% of the time. It’s physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting.
But I have to keep going. I have to take a deep breath, get my shit together, and keep moving forward. I have to be strong for them. I have to be better for them. I have to be all that they need even in the hardest moments when all I need is someone to tag me out for a minute. I’m only a year and a half into this life. I have a long way to go. I just hope beyond hope that I’m enough for them.
Thankfully, after all of the tears and frustration last night, they stayed in their beds asleep until 6:18am. VICTORY!!! I then got some delicious snuggle time and was allowed to stay in bed until close to 8. In the end, it always balances out somehow.
“I’m sorry I bit you, Mommy!”