My life has been full of constant change for the past few years, each major change feeling like a “starting over” in a sense. Picking up and moving out to Seattle to start a new life. Leaving my husband to start a new life for me and my kids. Now I’m 6 weeks away from picking up and moving from Seattle back to the Philly area to start over… again. While each of these changes has been a positive thing in my life, I don’t think it would surprise anyone to know that at times I feel like a nomad. Constantly on the move, always making plans to change my situation, hardly ever just standing still.
I used to be a very regimented person and in many ways I still am. I’m a Virgo, I need a plan, a list, a set way that things are done. So living this nomadic lifestyle would seem to be counter to all those traits. Not so, it would seem. The circumstances of my life, both in and out of my control, that led to the decision to move to Seattle broke down a lot of those regiments. The things I experienced and learned during the long, tumultuous decline of my marriage have revealed parts of me that I had at one time bricked in with expectations and life assumptions.
My heart always wanted adventure. I remember at 16 years old I had decided that I wasn’t going to get married or have kids. I was going to have a career of my own and adventure. That’s what my heart wanted. Only, I didn’t listen to it. I listened to my head that was influenced by societal pressures and expectations.
I had expected that I would live a life that involved being married, raising children, buying a house and living there for…ever. A life where I would stand still. This was how it seemed in my head, standing still. Not a bad thing. Just a thing.
So I got married. Of course I married for love and I wanted the fairy tale happy ending that my head told me I could have. But I couldn’t settle down. My heart would not be silenced. I changed jobs, moved around, took up hobbies, and kept trying to change things around because I couldn’t stand still. I couldn’t stand still in this life I had chosen for myself based on what my brain said I wanted out of life. As my marriage collapsed before me I realize now my heart was tugging harder and harder and harder to be set free. My head, though, kept its stance. I was married and that was that. Fix it and deal with it. You made a commitment.
Finally my head caught up with my heart and realized there would be no fixing what was irretrievably broken. I took down the wall my head had built around my heart, brick by brick. I’m still taking it down. It’s been part of the process.
So here I am, no longer married, a nomad with my two beautiful wildlings in tow. Following my heart and focusing on love, career, and adventure. Excited to move back to PA and start over again, one more time. And continue to start over ‘til my little heart’s content. Which will be never, because I will not stand still. I will continue to start over. I will keep trying new things, keep working toward a happier life for us, keep moving, keep changing, keep seeking out new adventures big and small. Teach the wildlings that they don’t have to stand still. It’s not for everyone. And, most importantly, keep following my heart. It knows what is best for me, even when my head can’t catch up.